IT’S ONE BIG FAT LIE

My Blog made me lie to myself

How my blog made me a liar…

I have to be honest… I’ve kind of done a dis-service to myself, and this whole blog has become a big fat lie staring me in my face… and here’s why…

Recently I recovered the files from my ORIGINAL 2005 blog… yes that’s right, I started writing in a blog in 2005!…12 years ago… It was an MSN Space, I also had a My Space account that was starting to rack up the views… When I was doing the MSN thing (before they shut down and archived everything ) I was up to 10,000 monthly views, now in 2005-2006 that was a lot… but then, I stopped being real with myself, and I stopped writing because life was getting complicated.

Don’t get me wrong, during 2005/06 , life was complicated, I was going through a horrible break up, and I was trying to fill my time with anything and everything, and eventually very slowly over an 18 month period, I was starting to have fun again , I even did the online dating thing , trust me, it was a book in itself because online dating in 2005 wasn’t the norm it is today, there was none of this swipe left and right, but there were lots and lots of hilarious stories and laughter with my married girlfriends over wine as they lived vicariously through my horror stories and although may have loved the idea of freedom probably thanked god at the end of the day they weren’t swimming in my dating pool with me …

But then I got into a relationship which turned into my second marriage, which turned into my 2nd divorce and let’s just say I was afraid during that time to be real to myself, and of course what would my partner at the time think if I shared my every thought with the world (probably not very much as I use to write what I was actually feeling) … well after that relationship ended in 2009, I started to dabble in writing again, but I never really got back to that place that I originally tapped into… because now 3 years later blogging was different, forget that everyone is doing it and now it’s a cool thing to do, for me it started to be looked at as a business, I started worrying about my audience and having to have a theme, and needing to secure sponsors and paying jobs and blah blah blah… It stopped being me… I stopped being real… I stopped writing about what I cared about day to day and my struggles with life and balance and started writing fluff about “how to pronounce designers names, and key things to buy for fall”… (Well actually that last one is kind of important…lol), I look at this blog site today and not ONCE do I talk about my journey to become a Children’s book Author, an entire process and chunk of my life that Not once did I let you see… because I started worrying about blurring the lines, mixing business & personal …well guess what, I AM a walking version of a blurred line, I don’t have boundaries in my face to face life, I love to connect with people in person and have them share their dreams and worries with me, I am an open book when I meet people, I crack jokes about things in my life that others would see as failures where I am confident enough to see them as lessons… so why not here? Why did I stop being true to myself

Why did I stop connecting with real people who understand that, some days I want to strangle my husband for getting to have a hot shower before he leaves the house for a meeting, while I’m lucky to get my teeth brushed, mind you I work from home so that’s not as big a deal, but the dislike for my hubby in THAT moment is real… and I want to vent it… I want to shout it out to the world, I want to drop the big fat FREAKING F bomb and not care if I might lose a sponsorship deal over it ( I really didn’t need another free hairbrush anyhow) …cause honey…I’m not getting paid enough with this blog to continue to not keep it real… writing my journey use to be my playground… It used to make me happy, not feel like a chore to fill white space so my readers keep coming back… I want to write about the real things I do and the real things that upset me or the triumphs of getting back to my pre pregnancy weight…hell I’m actually skinner now then I was when I was doing Paleo before baby number 2 bitches…and I want to celebrate it!! … I have 2 children under 4 years old and another in freaking university… I’m 43 F-ing years old, and I’ve started ALL over again with babies…I’m tired… I’m tired ALL THE TIME (I’m noticing the move towards the F word is going to easily starting showing up)

When I started dating my current husband, (side note: my memoirs will contain a huge part about him…he was my major heartbreak in 2005…but happy to report it’s actually the first time that the sequel is actually better than the original movie, I usually refer to it as Round 1 & Round 2, I’m sure he loves that) … I remember in 2010 when he realized I wrote a blog online he lost his mind that I would just put that shit out there… (he didn’t have Facebook yet, and didn’t realize how much the world now puts “out there”…LOL…like:  I stopped at subway today…I ordered a turkey sandwich, here’s a picture…HaHa … its just people keeping it real), I actually remember saying to him when he voiced his unhappiness of that blogs existence, “No One will ever tell me what I can and can’t write and I will not be deleting it “… I took a stand, but why? Because then I did exactly that… I was my own demise… I made it work, and lost the fun…

So what does this mean? Well, my blog posts will start to change… I’ll probably re-categorise all my non-life relevant posts to be found under the tab… “The Boring Me” …

And hopefully my posts will begin to look like these stories again, you know like the time I told my Girlfriends that I couldn’t do anymore shooters that night because earlier I took an OxyContin that I had left over from a surgery in order to handle wearing these super-hot over the knee boots for our night out on the town… That’s right… I did that…and damn those mother f’er’s looked hot ….

So, I Hope I don’t lose you as a follower, but if I do I am sure there will be someone else out there that will be teaching you how to say Hermès  (its pronounced er-mez) not “her’mees” (he was the Son of Zeus and had nothing to do with hand bags)…

So…let’s see what happens here…

XOXO

Angela

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